Saying No to say Yes

A priest friend who runs a parochial school tells me this story: At school mass I asked the kids what they are giving up for Lent. Candy, chocolate, video games, etc. were some of the answers given. But one first grader said: broccoli! Do you like broccoli? I asked. No! She answered. But you have to give up something you really like, I said. She paused to think and said, I will give up grandma!

Lent is a season of penance and conversion. One way this is expressed is through fasting or through giving up something. And this is done not just for ascetical reason but more for penitential and sacrificial reasons.

After Ignatius instructs the exercitants to make a court-record of one’s sins, he goes on to say:...ponder these sins, looking at the foulness and evil which every mortal sin would contain in itself, even if were not forbidden.

Wait, what? A mortal sin - not only those that are forbidden, but even those that are not! Is there such a thing? Can something objectively good become an end itself that it displaces even God as the center of one’s heart? It is against this horrifying possibility that Ignatius (after experiencing it himself) put together his Spiritual Exercises to help those who desire to do not only what they want, but what God wants. The great danger to this process is what he calls disordered desires or attachments. Hence, he tells the exercitants to ask God for the grace of indifference or interior freedom.

One thing I remember from my Moral Theology teacher is what he calls three levels of morality. It involves the following: On the surface (first) level is the level of specific acts or habits. Then below this - what underlines the first level - is the level of attitudes. And what is at the root of all these - the deepest level - is the level of loyalties. So, an act that is at first considered good or at least indifferent may come from a deceptive heart. Thus, when it comes to the objects of choice we are talking about here, discernment is needed.

Desires, attachments or loyalties (even good or at least indifferent ones) can be so all-consuming that they can take over a person’s mind and heart. To bring this down to the everyday experience, it is helpful to recall what an author says about addiction. He says a person can be addicted to almost anything, not just alcohol or drugs. It can be an addiction to coke-cola, k-drama, social media, work, a certain lifestyle, etc. A person gets addicted to something that alters his or her mood. And it is to this mood change, the feeling it gives, the high that the person gets hooked to.

I know one who is so addicted to food that he finds it difficult to resist. It's so bad that he can hear the food speak to him: Eat me! Eat me! Someone tells me the story of a woman who has developed a morning routine of getting angry with her house helps. It has become so regular that her husband just dismisses it as her idiosyncrasy. But, is it really harmless? Indeed, one can be addicted to the feeling of anger too. And when a person tries to stop that’s when he experiences withdrawal symptoms. That’s why the moment you decide to give up something you like or you’re addicted to as penance or sacrifice in this Lenten season, it becomes 100 times tempting! All of a sudden it feels like you are losing a lot, indeed, losing one’s self! And you are seized with fear!

Ignatius assumes that a person desiring to do God’s will has impure motivation. To help the person check how indifferent he is, Ignatius gives what he calls three classes of persons and gives the kind of attitude that a person needs to be able to dispose himself to God’s will. The first one is like St. Augustine in the early part of his conversion who prayed to God: Lord, give me the grace of chastity, but not yet. The second class is like a recovering alcoholic who knows very well that it just takes a sip of alcohol for him to fall right back to his addition. He knows that the only way is total abstinence from alcohol, yet he bargains if he can only have a drop or two. And the third class is like Beata Chiara Luce Badano, who died of cancer at a young age. She prayed to Jesus: For you, Jesus. If you want it, I want it too. If we are to find God's will, the kind of disposition and love, freedom and generosity of the third class is what Ignatius wants us to always pray for.

Saying No to say Yes. Saying No to one’s disordered desire to be able to say Yes to God’s desire that we may more and more fully live in His love. What are you saying No to in this Lent, what are you giving up?

Does the first grader really like her grandma or not? If it were the former, giving up doesn’t really work that way. It has to involve the penitent herself, not someone else. But, if she meant it as involving herself, what could she possibly mean? If we read Ignatius in what she said, it could mean getting rid of her unhelpful attachment to her grandma, so that she may love her more truly.